December 2009
68 posts
what's that smell
Have you ever let the dirty dishes sit in the sink for so long that the food left over leaves a permanent stain and it kind of looks like it was supposed to be there? Yeah, that’s how I’m bringing in 2010. Booyah. Happy New Year bitches.
One of the benefits to having an ulcer is
you finally get to see what the muscles in your stomach look like from all those ab crunches you’ve performed over the years. Cause now eating hurts. (So THAT’s where you’ve been hiding!)
superbad
She’s poking into my face and slathering on all types of chemical creams. This will only sting for a minute, the aesthetician says. Ok. 30 seconds later. Does it hurt now? no. How about now? no …….what about now? no, still no. hmmm. That’s strange. By now most people would have… I realize this lady has no clue. My threshold for pain is expansive. I was like...
chameleon.
I can cut through a crowded subway like a cockroach in a sack of rice. You should see it. Especially in flats and headphones. Ooweeee The S to the 6 to the 7? No problem. 200-and-something street back to Brooklyn? No problem. 20 minutes, maybe less. I still stop for old ladies, kids, and the handicap. I don’t push or shove. My swerve is impeccable. I float in between a closing car door, i...
wednesday
E61: Vacation has done wonders for my alcoholism by the way
Me: You are not in Madmen...
you are not an architect
in 1954
or a lumberjack in 1890.....
E61: I was supposed to be an architect.
Me: so what are you doing drinking
whiskey
E61: I can grow a beard like a lumberjack
Me: in the middle of the day?
E61: I'm part Native American, what do you want from me?
and I'm not drniking whiskey
its gin. haha.
Me: ....and you don't wear white ribbed tanktops
with armpit stains
and beat yr wife.
E61: I do under my clothes...(not the beating of the wife part...nor the stain part)
Me: You're not a rapper.
E61: debatable
scene 2
Homegirl runs down her apartment steps and on the last flight slams into her neighbor from apt 4b. The envelopes in his hand fall to the ground. Oh Hey Elmer. Their eyes meet; he looks away. Quickly. She’s taken aback by his ragged appearance. Elmer? Is everything ok? Yeah yeah fine. He scrambles down to the ground, picking up each letter. Her footprint leaves a distinct marking on the...
Trains to infinity
11am. N Train. 4 grown men sit with their legs crossed. 2 sit with their hands crossed. 1 is in mittens. 1 white 1 black 1 Arab 1 Mexican… or Greek…I think. Everyone stares straight ahead. 1 dips his head and looks at the floor. I’m betting 1 gets off at the next stop. But no one does. They just sit. Black guy plays with his mittens. Train still moves onward at a speedy...
Sometimes my dad buys me groceries
themattsmith:
sade:
because whatever, you know, I’m a poor college student. But this time he bought me 3 tubs of Activia yogurt in fucking prune flavour.
DAD
What gave you the impression that I’m constipated? My constantly pissed off demeanor? COOL IT WITH THE YOGURT. Jesus.
kind of true
themattsmith:
whydoihaveablog:
Nothing sounds better than meeting someone who probably has certain expectations of my personality that will almost definitely not be met when you find out I am okayish at blogging because I suck at talking to people I don’t know well.
chaos
is etched into the train window. Xiomara is my friends name. I wonder who chaos is. And why she’d want to be with someone with a name like that. Whats his agenda? Does he treat her right? Is she certain that she’s the only one he’s thinking about? Hey xiomara #2, if you’re anything like my xio, I hope you ain’t giving up the skins without a first aannnddd last name....
I met her at a backyard blockparty by the bar. ...
I totally see you. →
Sometimes..
when I’m sitting in my office cubicle, clicking and dragging for hours on end, I pull the wastebasket out from underneath the desk and dry heave.
“When there’s nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire.”
– Your Ex-Lover is Dead, The Stars
no one likes bitter
I took advanced English all throughout high school. Then in college I took it as an elective. But if you wanted to make it into the literature program you had to apply for it. My professor pulled me aside and said “I’m sorry honey but only a select number of students were chosen to continue next semester. Don’t take it to heart my dear. You still have a gift.” She smiled,...
If you like it then you should have put a ring on...
Its the comatose of winter. My head laid out on the desk I scribble on to the back of an unopened envelope: Cold is not the half of it. Froze, I’m froze. Cause it’s like 28 degrees out and theres cracks in my window and most of my hair is g.o.n.e. Things I could use to keep me warm: Tea decaffeinated Blanket I bought in Tijuana with Croler. (René insisted he show me around) ...
complicated girls
Brian Viveros <3 <3
Waiting for the shower to warm up
themattsmith:
idontgetrunnershigh:
after finishing my workout this evening, I turned to my right an noticed a lonely bottle of bourbon. “Drink me,” it said. Being the nice guy that I am, I obliged. Straight from the bottle I took a drink and jumped in the shower. Maybe that’s why my training never works out exactly as I plan….
It doesn’t count as “drinking” until a quarter of the bottle is...
hair
About 10 months ago I cut my hair super short. It was kind of a big deal and I was thinking a drastic change… so far so good. As of late, my Pho-hawk has been growing out awkwardly so I book an appointment across the street which is where I used to go when my hair was longer. The stylist I have now is in midtown but I figure its only a slight altercation and Ill save the big stuff for him...
You can get to my heart through my stomach
cod fish boiled eggs onions chick peas potatoes and a shitload of olive oil equals my favorite meal ever. Look it up.
tidings
So my mother is in the kitchen cooking. I pick her up yesterday from Penn Station and shes carrying two enormous bags, like 40 pounds each. That’s like two small toddlers. Whats in the bag I ask her. “Food” she tells me. Ma, you know there’s food here right? I think we might even have a store somewhere packed with the stuff. “Too expensive.” I frown but...
If I see one more person
themattsmith:
drinkyourjuice:
ironically sporting a Snuggie, I’m gonna lose my shit.
I bought mine last January.
Almost a year ago.
For my sister’s birthday.
That’s how old the joke is.
Like, she was 13 when the joke started, and now she’s almost 14.
No more.
Fin.
We move on.
We make new jokes.
Love you so much.
But fucking get over it.
We aren’t “on a boat” anymore, and we...
the new guy
As soon as he leaves I double over on to the cold ceramic tile of the kitchen floor. The rest of the apartment is quiet. The slashing pain is in my stomach and it grows. Maybe its an ulcer I mumble into the floor… maybe it’s God trying to tell me something. I highly doubt that. Says a familiar voice. Well you’re not a doctor. Well you’re not religious. He snaps back. ...
stop worrying
So I have a friend. And he’s kind of like that guy you have to listen to. Especially when he’s telling you what to do with your life. Not because his shit is so together. And not because he’s that much older or wiser or even smarter. But whenever you’re around him there’s this constant current that seems to flow in a million different erroneous directions. He’s...
fat chance
Two boys on opposite ends of each other are lost in a game on their portable PlayStation media player thingamabob. Is that what it’s called? I don’t know. I’ve got a short skirt on and it’s got a really loud flower pattern swirling throughout the folds. Two boys walk by and whisper to each other. They’re at least 18. Puerto Rican or something. The one who looks like...
xmas - sort of
kiamatthews:
I hate having someone (my mother) tell me exactly what they want as a present. For fuck’s sake, you could just go out and buy that shit yourself. No, I’m not getting you a “nice comforter set”. A gift should be, you know like A GIFT. Like “look what my daughter got me!” A fucking comforter and some shams is like “Look what I got at the clearance sale at Kohl’s the other day.”
Now,...
“Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever...”
– Steve Jobs, Stanford Commencement Speech, 2005 (via dancetoomuchbootyinthepants) (via delbertshoopman)
The Night
He disgusted her even more when she was drunk. As the evening continued to spiral downward so, in unison, did they; and so she continued to drink. Give me something on the rocks please. But hold the lime. Citrus fruits add unnecessary calories. Carla crossed one leg over the other, tossing her long tousled hair across her bare shoulder. The same promiscuous girl from earlier took notice and...
Sometimes
I can stare at a guy and think: now that would look good on my arm. on the train.. in a bar… Laundromat, Coffee shop, Deli, Bookstore, INS, Crosswalk. ”She says I remind her of her father and I know she likes it, she want’s a guy that’s got his game locked tight.” - Chromeo
“If you’re not dispossessed, why make art? If you’re not feeling...”
– Mike Mills
may i have your undivided attention please
So I’m on my way home from work when I pass by a pashmina stand on the sidewalk. The vendor stands like 10 feet away and screams “LOOK!!” and points at the merchandise on the table. 5 seconds later he makes eye contact with another pedestrian and yells LOOK!! than raises his hand again. He does this over and over - his eyes bulging crazily. Its really alarming, but by god it...
Don't EVEN look at me
What every girl yells silently when she’s in a bad mood and riding the subways.
youdontknowme.com
So when I’m feeling a little odder than usual in dress and manner. I hop on the L to Williamsburg. Sometimes this is where I can breathe a little better. But when I get there it’s kind of like ‘Where’s Waldo’. Guaranteed: By the time I arrive home there’s a package of stereotype waiting at the door with a letter that reads: thanks for contributing.
“Let me take you back to the 90s when we...
who knew
voice-overs are much more difficult to transcribe than dialogue. My Improv coach once said: monologues are not for the faint-hearted, my dear. Maybe because its all mental wit and involves talking to an audience by yourself, through yourself.
Story of my life...
themattsmith:
sistermarymartha:
my mother asked me, “Now is Lawrence Hispanic or Black?”
BLACK, MOM.
YOU KNEW THIS. THIS IS NOT MY FIRST BLACK BOYFRIEND.
BLACK PEOPLE COME IN ALL SHADES, IS THAT YOUR QUESTION?
YES, YOUR MIXED GRANDCHILD IS DARKER THAN HE IS.
WHAT, MOM. WHAT.
WatchDear Santa. For Christmas, I would like this camera. Do you see the incredible picture quality? Its nice right? Unfortunately I don’t have a chimney for you to shoot down but if you ring my landlord’s buzzer he’ll have no problem signing for it. Whatever you do, don’t leave that shit on my stoop. Thank yous.
sigh...
uncomfortable pauses rainy sundays hangovers big words you don’t know how to properly use in a sentence portishead overuse of a metaphor big talkers ex boyfriends
“People always say you should be yourself like yourself is this definite thing...”
– MSCL